it’s only been a week since i had that conversation with my friend/ex bf about how he’s hurt me, and already we’re back to the same old bs. he made more of an effort to be more open with me and communicate with me for only 2-3 days before going awol again, and i haven’t heard from him since saturday. he’s been active on social media, though.
i understand his mental health is bad and he’s exhausted all of the time from how much he works. lord knows i don’t really have the right to complain when i take forever to reply to messages half the time. but this is ridiculous. it would take him a minute to shoot me a quick message saying, “hey, i’m gonna be really busy and won’t have time to talk until -estimated date-“, or “hey, i’m not doing well mentally and need some space”. all i’m asking for is basic communication and for him to actually treat me like i’m important to him like he says i am.
but i’m not. i know i’m not. i think he keeps me around because i’m familiar and comfortable and he’s already lost so much. i’m apparently one of the last connections he has to his mom because apparently most of his more recent good memories with her from before she passed were from talking about me. but he doesn’t keep me around because i’m me. his supposed best friend for almost 7 years. not because i’ve validated, comforted and talked him through his grief for hours. not because i offered to send him money so he could afford to get his cat cremated. not because i go out of my way for his birthday. all i have done for him, and not a single ****ing thing he has done for me.
i was naive to think anything would change. i was naive to think that getting into a relationship with him would fix anything when he hasn’t even been my friend for years now. i was dumb to think things would be better once we broke the distance. i know how dumb i must’ve looked and sounded these past couple weeks, but i’m done. i love him with all my heart, but i think i love who he was when we first met. not what grief and adulthood has turned him into. as much as i wanted him to be, he’s not my person. him being hurt shouldn’t mean hurting me, and i refuse to let him hurt me anymore.
Adios kimchi...
